Warning: I write what is in my heart and my mind and sometimes they both say bad words.
“If I ever let my head down again it will be just to admire my boots!”
Backstory: Times were challenging for me…..OK, they were shit. I had made a couple of bad financial decisions and even though I was working I couldn’t afford to go East to visit my girls. I also just lost a good friend, menopause was kicking my ass and a relationship that I finally thought was “my forever” was going to Hell. I cried constantly and looked like crap. I was drinking too much and whiskey or beer with Benedryl became my regular dinner just so I could sleep.
Did I feel sorry for myself? Well yes! Don’t we all at times to some extreme? (If you deny, you lie!) And before you start rolling your eyes the answer is yes, I know how Blessed I was and I knew that many women had it much harder than me. I know I should have counted my Blessing, blah, blah, blah. But this was my time and my story so screw it!
At the time I was wearing a cap and sunglasses more just so people wouldn’t notice my swollen, crying eyes. When I walked I was looking down constantly so I wouldn’t be exposed. I was taking my regular morning and evening walks with no one around and still staring at the ground. After a while it became an insecure habit!
As I have said before I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth! But I became so wrapped up in my “problems” that while I forgot to enjoy the beauty around me I sure could tell you what the ground under my feet looked like.
I wondered what I missed by going inside myself and trying to hide. How much of life had I let pass me by with no joy in it? The more I thought about this the more it pissed me off because the only person I was hurting was ME!
When I came to terms with that concept I began to fight the suffocating feelings of uselessness, hopelessness, and loneliness. (That’s a lot of “nesses”.) And that was a battle I didn’t know if I could win.
I am not telling you all this and sharing this very painful journal entry for sympathy! I just need women to know that they are not alone. Ladies we are strong, important and needed. If you are going through a hard time or are depressed please fight and get help!
Many years later I am still standing tall, I am proud of myself, my maturity and my battle scars. I had to learn to do things for me and anyone else who tries to manipulate me to think I am less than I am, man or woman, can go to Hell!
Journal Entry: Hiding In Plain Sight
So I am sitting at a picnic table in the park under a shade tree with my lunch and my journal. I’m listening to the laughter and chatter of two little girls and the squeak of the swings as they climb higher and higher. It reminds me of my girls. I’m trying to keep it together, trying to look normal, trying to look like everything is fine. My cap is pulled low over my eyes and I have my sunglasses on. The only tell-tale sign is the tears that are creeping out from under my shades and dripping off my chin.
Today I am full of questions, of “what ifs” and second guesses. I feel trapped, I try to stay away from everyone. It takes all the humility I can muster to even admit I have a problem. I know my true friends and family are tired of listening to my confusion, crying and indecision. But I know I am so lucky to have them stick by me, to be patient and listen to my repetitive blabbering every time I just need someone to listen.
I have never been like this. I have always been able to fight crap and be strong. Is it the situations I have to face? Is it the hormones gone wild? I’m not sure but I know it’s not good. For the first time in my life I am worried about myself! I have told a couple of family members that I know it’s bad. I wonder how many others don’t recognize how bad their depression (there I said it) is or even have people to talk to before its too late?
On a walk the other day I went down by the river. The snow melt was feeding the rivers and they were rolling. Suddenly, as if a force was pulling me, I walked nearer the edge and watched the water swiftly roll across the rocks sweeping debris down the current. For a split second, yes just a moment, a thought flashed through my mind and I wondered if I jumped in how long would it take…….
I beat myself up all the way back to the truck for that thought! Not because it was one of the most selfish thoughts I had ever had (which it was) but because it scared me to death that I had let myself reach this point!
So here I sit still journaling, still crying and still listening to the laughter of the kids playing on the squeaky swings. My thoughts get so chaotic sometimes it’s hard to sort them out. Am I even looking for answers? When will this end? Am I strong enough to fight it? Do I need to seek help? Buck up, be strong, fight, cope. But can I do it?