Warning: I write what is in my heart and in my head and sometimes they both say bad words!
Backstory: When I decided to move West there were two things that I vowed to leave behind, Drama and Men! I took a job working for a local guest ranch, had a hand full of good friends and another handful of aquaintances. I was working, I came home every night to my dog, and I was happy.
I had been living in the West for about 5 years managing to avoid both drama and men very well! Until one day I walked into a local bar. OK, I know what you’re thinking so don’t get all up on your judgemental high horses. Because I am a loner most of the time I eat alone and I prefer it that way. This bar had the best BBQ burger, homemade fries, and cold draft beer. I had worked all day and was going to treat myself before I went home.
Now I hate to sit at the bar and have my meal but that afternoon there were no tables so I plopped my butt down on a barstool and ordered that first much needed cold draft. I noticed a gentleman that I had seen before sitting a few stools down. He was a cattle equipment dealer and rancher and I had met him when he came by looking for the owners of the guest ranch where I worked. Of course I said a polite “Hello” and sat staring at the beer bubbles in my glass.
Suddenly I was aware that someone had sat down on the squeaky stool directly to my right and felt them looking at me. That’s when I heard his smooth, sexy voice asking me how my day had been. I’m not sure if deep down I was lonely, I didn’t think so. But having a conversation with this good looking cowboy with the same interests and background as myself and with enough smooth charm to throw away was all it took. I was hooked.
Now I consider myself an intelligent older woman with enough sense and past experience to know a con when I see one. But I let this one slip right by me. We had a pretty good first year before the next one got a little rocky. By the third year there were other women, included an ex, and not enough time for me. In other words the new had worn off and he was on to the next younger one. And through all this I did exactly what I had vowed never to do again! I let my guard down and put my whole self into this relationship!
By the end I felt raw, bitter, stupid (because I was old enough to know better!) and used. I cried,..a lot! I wasn’t even as mad at him as I was at myself! I had broken every rule I had made for my self-preservation and happiness and it had come back once again to hurt me!
So this was my journal entry at the end of that ordeal.
BETRAYAL
Betrayal has to be one of the worst kinds of hurt. The fact that you trusted someone and gave them your loyalty, even your love, to just find out it was all a lie.
Whoever said “it is better to have loved and lost that to never have loved at all” is completely out of their fucking minds! Let your guard down for even a second and reality can bite you in the ass!
I came out here to find my Peace but in my infinite wisdom and ultimate “busy bodiness” I got involved with things I should have stayed out of. Then like an idiot I did what I vowed to not do, pretended everything was OK and just ended up feeling like a big pile of shit. I was conned and betrayed.
Self-confidence, the thing I was never at a loss for, is gone. How vain was I to think I might “be the one” that he wanted? I seem to have made a profession out of failed relationships.
How many times can someone be betrayed by another and still be obsessed with them? How can one wallow in a bad past and not move away? And how vain was I to think I might be worth moving on for? I am a good person, I try to be kind, I want to feel loved and I want to be at peace. Am I too strong willed? Am I too much?
Right now I feel as alone as I have ever felt in my life. I feel like packing up and moving….again. But is running away the answer?
Am I wrong to want more? To be treated a little better? To be someone’s everything and not just an afterthought? I have got to stop expecting things from people! I just want to curl up and disappear.
“When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness, instead keep your head up high and gaze into Heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal.” (lifelovequotesandsayings.com)